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JOKES

Jokes are also interesting to learn a language. Many of them are the same in other languages but others are specially British or American, since they play with words, meanings and similar sounds. Read these jokes and have fun!

 

Teacher: If I had nine apples in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!


Wife: Do you want dinner, dear?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.


Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour looked over the fence. Curious about what she was doing, he asked 'What are you doing?'
'My goldfish died,' Lucy answered, 'and I've just buried him.'
The neighbour was surprised. He said 'That's a big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Lucy finished filling the hole and replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'


If a lawyer and a tax collector were drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do: read the newspaper or drink coffee?


Teacher: Thomas, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
Thomas: I  is...
Teacher: No, Thomas. We say, 'I am...'
Student: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'


- What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up this morning?
- He said 'Where am I, Mary?'
- And why did that upset you?
- My name is Betty.


- What a strange pair of socks you are wearing today! One is brown and the other one is green!
- Yes, that is really strange. I've got another pair at home that are exactly the same.


My Dad thinks he "wears the trousers" in our house, but in fact it's Mum who always tells him which pair to put on!


- Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat for a lady.
- Well, you did the right thing, dear.
- But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!


A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!'
His wife asks 'Wow! That's incredible! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?'
He answers 'I don't care. Just go!'


- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
- Yes, I married the wrong woman!


A man went to a restaurant and asked for a soup. When the waiter brought the food, the man said: "Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!" And the waiter said: "Please don't speak so loudly, sir, or everyone will want one!"


Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school, Tom?"
Tom: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"


- Shall I tell you a secret about butter?
- You'd better not, I might spread it!


Two sheep were talking to each other.
"You look really tired," the first one said.
"I know," replied the other. "I had to count 800 shepherds last night before I could get to sleep!"


- Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?
- No, you can have turkey like everyone else!


- What did the ocean say to the beach?
- Nothing, it just waved!


Teacher: You have ten dollars in your pocket. If you lose four, then what do you have in your pocket?
Student: A hole!


- You would be a good dancer except for two things.
- What are those two things?
- Your feet!


Peter was asking for a job as a waiter in a restaurant.
"Do you have any references?" the owner asked him.
"Oh, yes. I worked for six years in a famous restaurant," he said.
"Can you prove it?" asked the owner.
"Of course! I can show you any of the spoons that I stole from them!"


Woman: I'd like a mirror, please.
Salesman: A hand mirror, madam?
Woman: No, it's my face I want to look at!


- Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
- Because he wanted to work overtime!


- Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
- Because they have big fingers!


- Why is a student taking a ladder to the school?
- Because he wants to get to High School!


Patient: Please, help me, doctor. I'm shrinking!
Doctor: I'm sorry, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient.


- Where do you find a no-legged dog?
- Right where you left him.


- Why was the math book sad?
- Because it had so many problems.


- Why do birds fly south in the winter?
- Because it's too far to walk!


A new tiger was brought to a circus. The other tigers greeted him and said, "What a pity you weren't here in the days of our old trainer. He was very kind, dedicated and delicious!"


- This is my newborn brother.
- Oh, he is so cute! What's his name?
- I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.


"What time does the library open?", the man on the telephone asked.
"9 a.m.", the librarian said. "Why are you calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask that?",  he said. "Why do you want to get in before 9 a.m.?"
The man answered: "Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out!"


- Patient: Doctor, I think I'm suffering from memory loss.
- Doctor: I see. Have you ever had it before?


- Patient: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
- Doctor: Yes, of course.
- Patient: Great! I never could before!


A guy yells across the river: 'Hey! How do you get to the other side of this river?'
Another guy on the other side answers: 'You are on the other side!'


- Excuse me, sir! Please call me a taxi.
- Yes, sir. You are a taxi!


- I was born in California.
- Really? Which part?
- All of me!


- Kid: Miss, is it true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?
- Teacher: Yes, James.
- Kid: So, what kept us before that law was passed?


- My parents are both in the steel and iron business.
- Really?
- Yes. My father steals and my mother irons.


A couple wanted to buy a flat. The agent took them to a cheap flat to look.
The woman said: "It's important to know... is it insulated?"
"Yes," said a voice from the flat above them, "but the insulation doesn't work!"


- I really know what it means to work hard! I saw it!


- Teacher: Today we're going to talk about tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
- Student: It is obviously the past tense!


- Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
- Customer: What other colours do you have?


- What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
- It's Christmas, Eve!


- Teacher: Charlie, you know you can't sleep in my class.
- Charlie: Yes, I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could!


- Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
- Doctor: Next time, take off the candles!


- What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
- I'm bacon!


- Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me! I just can't stop my hands shaking!
- Do you usually drink a lot?
- Not really. I spill most of it!


- Doctor, Doctor, please hurry! My son swallowed a razor-blade!
- Don't panic. I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?
- Yes, I shaved with the electric razor!


A man speaks into the phone: "Doctor! My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
The doctor asks: "Is this her first child?"
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


- What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
- I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!


- Great news! The teacher said we would have an exam today, come rain or shine.
- What's so great about that?
- It's snowing!


A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."
"Wow! What was he before he married you?", the friend asked.
"A billionaire!"


One customer: "Waiter! Bring me a cup of tea, please!"
Another customer: "Bring me a cup of tea, too. And be sure the cup is clean."
Waiter, bringing the tea: "Two cups of tea! Which of you ordered the clean cup?"


Patient: - How much do you charge to have this tooth removed?
Dentist: - $200.
Patient: - $200 for just a few minutes' work?
Dentist: - Well, I can remove it very slowly, if you like.


Patient: - Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
Doctor: - Who said that?


Customer: - Waiter! Have you noticed this chicken has one leg longer than the other one?
Waiter: - Do you want to eat it or have a dance with it?


Teacher: - Johnny, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Student: - You told me not to use tables!


Teacher: - What is the shortest month?
Student: - May. It only has three letters!


- Who isn't hungry on Thanksgiving?
- The turkey, because he's already stuffed!


- What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
- Black mail!


Patient: - Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.
Doctor: - Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.


- What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
- They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a stew and brought practical gifts.


A mother to her daughter: - Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.


- What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
- Time to fix the fence!


There aren't many things upon this earth that make it seems like heaven, but one is to wake at half past six when you thought it was half past seven.
(Sent by Jordi Santamaria from Barcelona, Spain)

 

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